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February 3rd, 2009

07:27 am
I thought that between the melatonin I took last night and the wine I drank that I'd sleep in a little today, but here I am again waking up at 7 and not being able to get back to sleep, despite how sleep deprived I am. I did go to sleep last night around 11:30 (!!) so it makes sense to wake up at this time, but I haven't gotten very much sleep lately so I was hoping to catch up a little. And I woke up for a little while around 3! Yesterday morning, after almost an entire night of tossing and turning, I woke up from a terrible nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep. I've been having a lot of nightmares in the past several months, more than I ever used to.

I go in to the ED clinic on Thursday morning for my 6-month follow-up assessment, and then my time in the study is finished. V nervous. 3 hours of desperately trying to recall all the feelings and my eating and bingeing and purging habits of the past 3 months. Which would be much easier if there hadn't been any, or been a minimal amount, but there has been a lot of bingeing and purging. Also I hate to go back there and let them know how badly I've relapsed after all the hard work I and they did while I was in treatment.
Bright side is that I can tell someone I need help and they will no doubt offer it too me. Sucky side of that is it will no longer be free, and since I am still under my parents' insurance (less than one more year to go...) I will have to let them know. Bright side is that this time I will not be in a study and I can receive medication.
NOT looking forward to telling my parents or my sister that I've gotten back into this shit. Or my friends, and I might hold off on telling them. God it's actually embarrassing, though I wish it weren't, because when I finished my 6 months of treatment in July I invited all my close friends out to a graduation dinner. I thanked them all for being so supportive, cried, made some of them cry, we toasted and celebrated. My sister gave me a gift - a cook book. And here I am again.
Anyway, like I said at least I'm going in for that assessment and I can ask for the help I know I need. I desperately need someone to talk to - there is no one in my life that knows the full extent of how fucked up things are in my life right now, and I think that is part of where the nightmares are coming from. There is a ton of shit I am not telling anyone.

Having said all that... my roommate's going out of town for a few days... lots of B/P time. I mean I have mornings but I don't even really like doing it in the morning, it's so much better in the evening. And then I can get and make some real food... Jeez. we'll see.

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January 31st, 2009

11:16 pm
About to watch the HBO documentary Thin. Seen it a billion times but not for a long time. Have my 6-month follow-up assessment at the ED clinic on Thursday. Lots of shit happening at once.

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January 28th, 2009

07:04 pm
Nothing like watching your alcoholic boyfriend take a swig from yet another beer when you can't say anything because are also an alcoholic but he doesn't know about it and you want to be able to drink later and you know he will keep drinking till then and be plastered and..... nevermind.

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January 21st, 2009

10:11 pm
especially because it seems like now that he is done with his shit he expects me to be done with mine and just stop and listen to him and his talking talking talking. i'm obviously not doing work, but what if i were? oh there he goes to the fridge to get out some booze. i am annoyed about all the bullshit all completely around. blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. i am putting off stopping the sound of my typing cause i know he is waiting for met o finish so that he can tell me about his stuff that i have been listening to for ages...... i am just being stubborn and immature. ok i am going to respond to my sisters text and continue peacefully with life.

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10:10 pm
last but not least it's clear that he waits for me to make moves (i'm def not even talking about sex) and i simultaneously wait for him to make moves. imagine this!? i should be done. i wish i didn't love him so much.

ps who do i know who is more judgmental!? no one!!!!!!!!!!!!

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09:49 pm
for the sake of T
and my own sake too i guess ha
I feel so annoyed at him now even though I know he has his shit he's dealing with at the moment. I guess that is the thing though - it's hard for me watching him go through this shit and obviously having my opinions about what's I wish for him and what it sounds like other people need (all in relation to what he might need to do in this situ)... and he doesn't listen and just dismisses everything I say. and it's hard to let that go - clearly clearly clearly he has his shit to deal with right now - his own feelings about all this fuckwittage and moreover the feelings about everyone else that he's moderating... so i know i have to just at times let it go when he's being an ass to me and just be there for him. just listen. ugh t his is so complicated!!!!! i say that cause that just leads me to thinking "just listen. well of course that's what he wants because he just likes to hear himself talk." which he does and which is a big problem for me - that he likes to listen to his own voice but denounces other people who also like the sound of their own voices. i mean that's a whole other thing but i guess the point is that as much as i know he needs to just talk, it bothers me that he needs to just talk.
it's kinda maybe the whole thing about well if i were not (or had ever been) romantically involved with him, these things might not bother me so much because it wouldn't mean i'd have to deal with it in many more aspects of my life for the rest of my life.

argh. i guess i just want to write out any aggression here so that i can enjoy my night here with T tonight sans drama. my own at least.

i wish i weren't pretending to be sick right now:
-if we argue or if i'm cranky i can blame it on being sick
-that was my excuse for leaving the get-together at my place and coming here instead
-i can blame drunken behavior on being sick (only to a certain extent and it atually pains me to type this out)

-he will probably not want to have sex with me since i'm "sick"
-he will prob not want to even cuddle or be affectionate since i'm "sick"
-i might not be taken seriously cause i'm "sick"
-many other things that i've probably forgotten or been distracted by since t just decided to talk to me (this is totally passive aggressive and etc etc etc etc etc and so on.) (i am an ass.) (fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.)

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08:57 pm
he always talks to me about what's going on with him and seems to ask my advice but when i ever try to say anything he does not listen at all and gets all huffy. so i try to just listen but... i dont know maybe i'm just not a very good listener? its just when i'm listening to him talk about this shit that's going on and it's very rousing shit i want to offer my opinion as a) a 3rd party and b) someone who loves him and wants to see him less stressed out! i want to offer up different ways to look at things but he just doesn't want to hear it. blah blah blah i was so ready to rant earlier but now that i have the chance it's left me and i am bored with this.
i don't want to think about anything.

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January 18th, 2009

09:41 am
Jacqui: and i think im supposed to look like that to attract or 'turn on' a man.
the boyfriend thinks i look fine the way i am, but it's like...in the back of my mind i KNOW that he would like it if i was skinnier in the waist.
2:04 PM even though he says he wont, i just feel that it's true.
10 minutes
2:14 PM W: jess felt that way about me too
ie. she thought i wished she was thinner
2:15 PM Jacqui: she was pretty thin already


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January 7th, 2009

02:07 am - bullshit
I feel stupid writing in here. I don't know why. I wish I had my paper journal to write in, honestly. It's at my parents' house. I don't know why I haven't brought it over.

I am worried about myself... I don't know how all this shit is going to come out... to whom...

I have been lying. My first quarter at school I actually tried for a couple weeks... stopped trying... but didn't drop out... found myself under academic probation. Told everyone - parents, boyfriend, sister, mentor, friends, colleagues - that school was kinda tough but goin fine. This continued for another semester when I registered but didn't even bother to do the work for either of my classes. Continued the lies. Spent my parents' money on books that I read from time to time, sometimes for actual information sometimes for show to enforce the charade that I am indeed in classes. Now have to figure out how to continue the lie for this quarter as I put of registering so far that classes for this quarter have already started and...

forget details.
simplified facts:
-i have lied to my parents, my sister, my family, boyfriend, close friends, co-workers, mentor, everyone.
-i have lied my parents out of a lot of money due to not withdrawing from classes early enough.
-i am, if not an alcoholic, definitely dealing with an alcohol dependancy. no one knows. even the therapist i had during my 6 months treatment for "difficult to treat" bulimia might be surprised at how much more i've been drinking since i ended treatment.
-i am lying, no matter what i talk about, to everyone i know.

i just wonder when and how all this shit's gonna come to a head.
i can't live this way. i don't mean to be dramatic but that's what is coming out. i wish i could tell t... a friend..... a parent........ be back in treatment with a professional to talk to. i worry. i will probably look back at this in a couple days, weeks, months and roll my eyes but............ this shit has to be recorded. i need to fetch my journal. i need to do the recommended minimal journaling recommended by my treatment team.

i need............alsdjflasgkjhpt09t94uhehjaldfhkdafjhlkj drama, apparently???????
one irony is that i feel bad about myself and drink, but i drink and it amplifies my self-loathing by like 50000x. plus tiredness and whatever but......

thank goodness for certain music. honestly!

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December 28th, 2008

05:27 am
i better remember to bring over my last paper journal that has so much blank space left... i've been feeling like journaling but with pen not typing. i was just looking back at some past entries and i really like some of the things i wrote while i was in treatment - even if i was drunk while i wrote many of those entries - i wish i had journaled more while in treatment. peter and the team thought it'd be a good idea for me to write down - even if it was just one sentence, one word - at the end of each day, one (at least) thing i'd avoided thinking about that day. it sounded brilliant. i never did it.
total relapse. as i was ending treatment peter and i talked about the difference between a lapse - maybe a binge or a purge or two but not letting it get me down - and a relapse - actually totally falling back into old habits. i had a couple lapses, now i think i am in a relapse. relapse. i am relapsing. not even just with the disordered eating behavior, but also with emotional behavior both outward and inward. i have barely been using those magical skills and the more time passes the less inclined i feel to even try. to even try to climb back up to where i was when i ended treatment. reading some of these old entries here from while i was in dbt really made me see where i was, where i could be. but i need help. i'm past due for my 6-month evaluation - it's already been six months since i ended treatment - a full year since i started!! - and when i do go in i want them to point me in the direction of MORE help. especially while i am still covered by my parents' insurance - till i'm 25! so a bit less than a year. i'd better get in as much therapy as i can before then!!
holy shit it is 5:36am. i better start trying to go to sleep. always a difficulty. good night. good morning.

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