January 2nd, 2010
Purgatorium's gone. SO weird. I mean I'm really really hoping I'm just so technologically inept that I can no longer figure out how to get there, but as far as I can tell it's gone. This makes me feel very depressed.
Still bulimic though I thought I'd gotten somewhat past that recently... guess I'm realizing that this mindset will never really leave me, and all I can do is try my damned hardest not to pass it on to my children.
Don't feel like it but I guess I'm in a relapse. Looked at my 2 Month coin, turned around and chugged some alcoholic shit. I had 70 days. Next time I have 30 I don't want another coin.
October 22nd, 2009
so... i really want to share this with someone but i dont know who else would appreciate it but you guys - i've always appreciated the humor of this group.
i haven't posted on here for a couple years actually... but this is the story:
25-year old 12-year bulimic mixed with 2-year alcoholic, bulimia has gotten way out of control since i got out of a one-week stint at a loonybin 2 weeks ago, over-the-weekend mental breakdown (this involved first physical fight with my sister since we were kids) whilst staying at parents' house, this is only the beginning, and here is the punchline:
this morning, what made me smile, laugh, and feel blissful disbelief?
i stepped on the scale and saw that i've lost at least 6 lbs. like, i actually was looking at that scale, that mirror, and f-ing beaming.
if you have some space wish me luck ok?
i've been a member of this community for more years than i'm willing to admit. i love you ladies, and gents. and i wish you all the best.
July 6th, 2009
Same old, same old. I just looked over what I've written in the last year or so and had to stop counting how many times the word "UGH" came up. I mean I guess that's what I use this journal for - complaining, but it's so old. My dad keeps asking me if I've contacted the therapist. I haven't. He also said "I mean you seem happy, but..." Do I really seem happy, Dad? What about the night I left your house and got into my car and you came out to tell me something in the driveway before I left but caught me sobbing, and didn't acknowledge it with a single word? Did I seem happy then?
Speaking of "ugh". I need to follow his advice and hustle into therapy.
June 14th, 2009
UGH, i'm so annoyed!! i know i hurt her a long time ago, but she just goes around twisting stories about me! and it seems like she actually believes the things she says!!! first of all, i didn't offer to give her hair cut kit back because she fucking TOLD ME TO KEEP IT. next, i actually haven't been texting her any more than usual now that she is in a relationship; in fact, i have been holding back cause i could tell that she needs space. it probably feels like more than usual because she's COMPLETELY stopped contacting ME!!! which is another story, but UGH!!!!! she keeps painting such an ugly picture of me for her friends, but then keeps being friendly and nice to me. wtf!!???? and i wish i didn't care so much what her friends think of me, but i really do. cause i didn't really do anything wrong. i really really don't want to have my name associated with the awfulness her friends seem to think of me. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!
May 5th, 2009
|11:50 pm - UGH!!!!!|
i was starting to have an interesting conversation with my mom about The Wire, - wait scratch that. i was having an interesting conversation with both my parents when my dad excused himself to go to bed and then my mom made some request of him that i don't even want to go into but if she'd communicated it in a healthy way it a)would not have been in front of me and b)would have involved more explanation. so after my dad's departure i tried to bring up the wire again. anyway. then she asks me some interesting question about it and i am answering it and she is just looking at her laptop, clearly reading work email, blatantly not listening (though it never even occurs to her that it is so fucking blatant) until i trail off and say "nevermind good night." only then does she look up and only to smile and say good night. i am so upset right now because this always happens and it only occurred to me tonight to go back and tell her how rude she was being and only then did it occur to me that the reason i never tell her that is because she has enough that she (ridiculously (yes judgmental language)) feels bad about i don;t want to add to her list, especially late at night. and this pisses me off because i wish it weren't the case! i wish i could just tell her "hey you're obviously not listening can you at least look at my face while i'm talking to you instead of so obviously moving your eyes across the computer screen obsessively reading your work emails? I AM RIGHT HERE!!!" ok that didn't start the same way it ended but i got carried away heh. she is crazy and only getting crazier and i understand her craziness because I AM THE SAME and therefore it pisses me off even more than it already would. !!!
i am also upset because i really want to talk to T about this but he has been so fucking absent i can't talk to him about anything. it is constantly him talking to me about his busy-ass shit, which is fucking busy and stressful and i have been trying to be supportive and maybe it would be easier if i had more of my own life (or would it be harder? then maybe we would never see each other instead of once in a while) but this job is taking everything out of him so that he never has time to see me and when he does he is exhausted and needing to tell me about all that's going on. i mean he has people confiding in him all day i guess he needs someone to confide in at the end of the day. but is it the most healthy thing for that person to ALWAYS be me? especially during these times where i have needed him so fucking much... now i am really crying. fuck. shit is fucked right now.
ok i am starting to freak out a little i am going to go wash my face and turn on a sitcom.
April 21st, 2009
don't know where to start. drunk. more depressed/fucked-up than i've ever been before. like... waking up, being sober, taking a shower, going to work... these are things that take up so much more energy than they should. (ding! judgment) i just wish i could type out the huge sigh i want to share right now.
tom didn't call me to say goodnight this evening. he is busy with his new position. i was going to text him but stopped myself realizing that i may be upset that he said we'd talk later tonight and we didn't but obvi he was exhausted and went to bed
ok the gulp i took before typing has gotten to me i guess so i'm gonna keep watching tv till i go to sleep.
maybe what i really wanted to type about was the fact that the only consistent things in my life that make me feel alive are a) my job which is in jeopardy due to bureaucratic shit and b) my bf on whom i have become incredibly, unhealthily, ridiculously dependent on even though it is very ironic.
blah blah blah. @#$%^&*!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! x98673739560590
April 9th, 2009
my relationship with food has been so different lately. i just haven't wanted to eat. and i mean sure i've had periods like that before, but this has been a couple months where i just don't want to eat. i've been hungry here and there, i've eaten full on-the-smaller-side meals here and there, but mostly it's just been like five minutes ago, where i decided i needed to eat something and got out the brown rice cakes, got through half of one, and felt kinda turned off and put them away.
the strangest thing is that i recently downloaded all these episodes of "intervention" - almost all ones that involve bulimics - and that usually is a big trigger for me to binge and purge - and yet here i am, still not eating. that little thought is what prompted me to journal about it. i mean i know this is going to lead to bingeing and purging as it always has in the past, and i keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but it's been a while and so it feels weird. great, because i've been losing weight (though i still look in the mirror or see photos and see myself as fatter than i've ever been)... but like i said, i've just kinda been waiting for the other shoe to drop. clearly i feel like i have no control over myself. which is a strange combination with starving oneself.
i think a lot of this is wanting attention - i know i want attention from T who has been so busy the last few months he's barely had any time for me, and i've tried to be understanding and supportive all this time but it's been hard. wow i have a lump in my throat just typing that out. sigh, next subject.
i think another part may be wanting to let everyone else know that something's wrong with me; i've never been more depressed in my life and also never been more secretive about it.
and of course there's the losing weight part, and then of course whenever i lose any weight i feel terrified of gaining it back so i eat less and exercise more. until the cycle starts again. i've only binged and purged once (and it was a small one on health foods!) in the last few months, but all this time i've felt the scary bulimia monster looming behind the bushes, in the dark, waiting to attack. the longer it waits the scarier it is.
i think it's plotting something with the alcoholism.
February 6th, 2009
did i mention i have to work -and be totally prepared for - two different jobs tomorrow? and be well-slept for - jeez that's down the toilet. and then i have to potentially socialize with a friend who thinks everything is a-ok. hopefully she will continue the flakiness that i love her for. and hopefully boy won't want to process too much so that i can have some time to myself to b and p and watch watch watch and do what i want with my time. fuck this and fuck that.
this isn't even a drunken rant, i am just fucking exhausted - bodily, emotionally, sleepily.......
i have half a mind to work out some elaborate lie that will get me out of work and work tomorrow... problem is, everything is intertwined!! both those jobs, along with boy AND said friend.
motherfucking @#$%* laskjslgsg;lsdg;s';gklkjlhjl;l;l';!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
had that evaluation today. i asked about options, they gave me a big packet of em. went to work. had "date night" with t. he was acting like an ass, i reacted appropriately, he reacted, i acted more inappropriately. he left, which i felt was in appropriate. i continued to freak out on my own. freak out freak out freak out. he called "to say good night" like he was trying to act like everything was fine. i continued to freak out cause clearly shit was not fine. i really needed him to stay tonight and he just left. bullshit. for various reasons. anyway still freaking out for same reasons and various others. now am on here for a reason i can't remember....
oh yeah. how obnoxious is it for someone to have as their "about me" on their facebook - ANYTHING - profile: "interesting." and then, months and months after once having it being pointed out to them and they act surprised like "oh yeah that was so long ago it still says that?" to change it to "About me: interesting. eclectic."
son, you are not that interesting and certainly not as eclectic as you think. you are still an evangelical little boy with hangups about sex and relationships and everything fucking else and what is "right" and what you "should" do and feel etc etc, and more judgmental than i'd ever imagine an "interesting, eclectic" religious leader to be. and you can't fucking keep it up for more than a fucking minute. and you are a damn hypocrite.
this day has sucked.
February 4th, 2009
wish i had my paper journal. ever since i read all those old journals from a few years ago, i'be been wishin i still had it in me to journal so much in an actual physical journal. now there's so much i try not to think about, or so many things that i don't want to repeat in writing, so i never feel like journaling. but i'd like to try again.
anyway, that's not the point. i've just purged, after a very emotional 40-ish-minute conversation with my boyfriend during which i was totally freaking out about my 6-month evaluation tomorrow and about how things have been going and about how things went tonight. he kept trying to make me promise - when i tried to get off the phone - that i wouldn't purge anymore tonight. i knew full well that i had a stomach full of food and i NEEDED to get it out, and i told him flat out that i couldn't promise because it would be a lie and i couldn't lie. he then wouldn't let me off the phone. i got out of that one somehow but by the end of the convo i so badly wanted for him to tell me "just come over here tonight" but he didn't. i tried to hint at it but - and yes i know i was being totally passive and i don't want to expect him to read my mind or anything...- all he said was "if you need to call me, if you need help, if you need to come over, it's fine." i wish that had been enough but i already felt so pathetic from flipping out and sobbing on the phone and all that crap that i really just wanted him to tell me to come over. he didnt and once i realized that was it i quickly and maybe almost rudely got off the phone. and promptly ran to the bathroom and barfed. now although my eyes are so swollen and dry and tired from purging and crying, i am considering going in for round 3 of bingeing.
yes, so tomorrow i go in for the 6-month follow-up. 6 months ago (7, because i procrastinated for 1 month calling them back to schedule this appointment) i completed treatment. after this appointment i will officially be done with the study. if i go for more treatment i will have to pay for it. i've already gone into that here but alsudjalfhaiuaiorairporqir i am freaking out.
i wish T would have told me to come over.